I must let it go

25,march,2009

There comes a time when i must let go of what helpedme survive and discover how truly live,the path of freedom lead straight through the pain,not away from it yet victim face a great battle when i refuse to deaden my souls any longer to the agony.the irony is that i fights to avoid pain will only continue to live with it.to embrace life i need to first embrace the pain,denying it lead to emotional and spiritual death.
Pain isn't necesarrily a bad thing it tells me that something needs attention,pain is GOD'S warning signal that something needs to be brought to the HEALER.

Addictive and authentic love says:

21,march,2009

Add;1)I cant live without u,you give my live meaning...
aut:1)I can live without ubut i choose not to.

2)You make me feel valuable when i'm with you,i'm somebody..
2)I'm a valuable person and you affirm value to me.

3)I cant make it on my own...
3)I can make iton my own,having you as my part of my life make it easier.

4)I want you to be a total part of my life,an i want to be a total part of yours.
4)We are two separate people with individual lives to lead i encaurage you to
pursue your interest and i will pursue mine,this kind of space and divers
sity is good for us.

5)All the hard times are worth the good times,i will be there no matter what
happens.
5)Love should seek another's highest good,to the best of my abality,i will do that
for you...

6)I cant bear to think of you sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone
else,you aretheonly one who has ever understood me.
6)We are richer for sharing our lives with other people,i encourage you to have
other close relathiomship.

7)You should be sensitive to my neds,i have feelings,youknow and i need you
to take that into consideration.
7)Mutuality is the glue that holds us together,i enjoy you and in that enjoyment many of my needs for importance belonging and intimacy are met.

8)If u really care you will threat me the way i need to be threated to feel good.
8)I will accept the way u show me you care about me,sometimes i may have to ask u abt yr actions,but generally i will take at face value what you say an do.

To be Invisible

20,march,2009

Because i based my self esteem on what others thought of me,unknowingly i gave thempower to define my value,i wanted-needed-everyone to like me,so i became a people pleaser,trying to blend in,i didn't like my self but i desperately wanted to believe that someone did.
From the time started i wanted to be invisible,i was quiet and very private to avoid being hurt,mocked,or rejected.i rarely revealed my feelings or opinion.
I find my self believing in my daydreams so strongly that i get hurt and disappointed when reality hits me,my daydreams are very unrealistic,i know that but it helps me escape.

New places

march,03,2009

After a week i'm tryingmy new job and places,but i'm still uncomfortable and oesn't believe why i'm here???this is normal feeling i whisper to my self coz i never been in this places before,the places that i'm staying right now is really far from the city.but is really clam and nice places.
I'm staying with friendly family i like them all coz they're treat me really nice and polite(thanks god)
After i done all of my job i send sms to''bilal''the sms quiet funny exacly hehehehe...but it can make me feel comfortable even all of this is fake maybe...this is he's sms:
##U SK YOUR HEART?AM I NEVER ROMANTIC?IM NOT LOYAL?I'M NOT SINCERE?WHO GET ANGRY?U OR ME?WHO START FIGHTING U OR ME?I ALWAYS AGREE I TOLD U THE TRUTH.(11:25:40PM)

##PLEASE IT WASN'T ME IN THE VIDEO,I'LL COME&WATCH VIDEO WITH U&YR FRIEND,THEN ASK HR TO PROVE IT TO ME,ALRIGHT?PLZ BEE,DONT SAY IT WAS ME.IT WAS NOT ME(11:27:38PM)

##Ok i promise,i'll be loyal to u.honest,never tell a lie and will love you forever,okey!(11:30:24pm)

##Well.i'll never make u disappointe,but what do u mean by same mistake?(11:46:08pm)

##Yeah sure,i'll try to be same as before.plz dont cry and i love you,i'm sick,i took madicines&i'm going to bed,good night and i love you(12:06:19am-04,march,2009)

##HI MOON .DIM YR LIGHT,HELLO WIND!BREEZE SOFT.HI FLOWER!BLOSSOM SLOWLY.HELLO EARTH!SPIN GENTLY CAUSE MY WIFE IS GOING TO SLEEP.GOOD NIGHT MY LOVE.(12:49:12AM-04.03.2009)

I'm backkkkk

feb,23,2009

Puih...today at 9.30am i'm going back o hongkong,after more than two months i'm down at MACAU,macau is really small places part of hongkong but it belongs to''PORTUGAL''just need 1 hour trip by ship to reach there.
By the way before i leave macau i need to face macau police for hour,because of my visa problem,yeah i ready staying over there for more than a weeks,then surely they asking me to pay overstay fee.not much actually but i doesn't pay it hehehehehe...little bit nervous of course i thought macau police was really strict but what i was tinking is wrong,they really nice and polite.after they check my passport they ask me wether i'm going to pay theoverstay fee or not,after talking for a while then they askme go to imigration hall,one of the police man smile and ask me to sit down for a while and did asking me the same queston wether i'm pay the overstay fee or not,if not then they will blacklist me for one year.
A minute latter he's giving me a form for my document details,after i finish do the form then they took picture of mine from my front,back,right and left side of my side.and they make sure how tall am i and so they take my both finger print(oh god....)i just feel like an a thief,but anyway all are ready had done heheheehe...
Anyway macau is realy make my life changes hundred persen heheheeh not hundret yet but nearly...before many people know me that i was so'selfish,unkind,and arrogant''but macau really teaching me to be mature and knowing who am i.i much relized and learn how it feel if we didnt have muchmoney for live.that i ready feel it,before i was arrogant and bossful coz i had much money and i can buy anything i want without thinking what will going to be happend next,before i always out for dinner,do big shopping that can speand$10.000 hkd at once.in macau i really learn how to have simple live for future,for now onward i must be great person.
15 minutes i will reach hongkong i feel much happy,but beside that i'm feeling upsed so deeply,god know it very well what was happening 1 month ago.and god know ow i feel right now(My allah please give mepower of live to face all the reality of of this life)
I did must be strong to continue tis live for future even my heart are really hurt i whispering to my self.i believe god always with me and i leaft up everything up to god and time will answer everything.
At 11.30am i reach at shun tak ferry terminal,i walking alone,i was thinking that someone i love will wellcomeme in this time,hug me with love,kiss me and hold my hand,just like other couple that i had seen.but no one was wellcome me when i arriving here,i wanted to cry and feelling really hurting whenever i seen couple long the road,why i cant be like them i keep asking my heart and i cant fine the answer till now.i wanted to cry in every steps i whad walk throught.
MY LIVE SO SADNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...!!!!!

Two weeks

Two weeks from now...
I'll huged you more than i've hugged you before
I'll kiss you like never kissed before.
And i'll love you more than ever each day

See you soon!!!
I'm so looking forward to share with you the days i speant without you.
And even more excited to share all the future days with you!!!
And even never again...i hope and pray we never be far from you...

LOVE YOU DARLING....

God Knows

When you feel tired and hopeless bcoz all your efforts turn out to be nothing
God knows how hard you have tried...
When you cried for so long,yet your heart is still painful
God has counted your teardrops
When you think that your life is waiting for something and time goes so fast
God is waiting with you
When you feel lonely and your friends are too busy to call you
God is always by your side...
When u think you have tried everything and don't know what else to do.
God has the answer...
When everything does not make sense and you feel depressed
God can calm you down...
When you suddenly see a trace of hope..
God is whispering to you
When everything goes well and you feel like givingthanks
God hass blessed you
When something beautifull happends and you are filled with awe
God has smiled to you..
When you have vision to fulfill and dreams to make them come true...
God has opened you eyes called you by name...
Remember that wherever you are facing....
God knows...

Thanks for being

I thank the lord for putting you into my life..
Though i never say it openly,i'am amazed and grateful..
For who you are...
For your warmth,cares and loving kindness...
For always being on my side and protecting me,
Wiping,my tears and cheering me up.
You always succeed to put smiles on my face and fill my days with laughters....
I learn to understand the purity of your love...
Through the sparkle of your eyes...
Through the smiles on your face...
Through the kisses of your lips...
I learn you are being true...
When you say''dont worry!!leave the worry to me''
You embrace me with warmth...
I learn too cherish you,to miss you...
To open my heart and give you space inside it...
I learn to say with all my heart''i love you''

Missing you

I missing you babe...but what can i do???i also dont know wether ur missing me there or not!!!Everytime i think of you,i feel as if my soul wants tp f;y tp where you are.it's been a while since the last time i talked about you.if you noticed,lots been going on between us:many discussions,some misunderstandings,bit of jokes,arguments and other things,but plenty of laughs and love.
We are doing fine and happy,although sometimes he is too busy doing research that it can be difficult for us to find time to talk with each other.however i'am ha[[y that we continually send emails to each other and our trust getting stronger.our faith growing mature.

My v day-surprise call!!!

friday,20,feb,2009

While i was busy checking my emails around 11 p.m,my mobile phone was ringing....ANYNOMOUS CALL**who could it be???i was surprised to hear his voice.it was my dear friend rafe....
I was so happy to have conversationwith him,it was much such a sweet surprise,although it was only a 7-minutes conversation.i can feel how caring he is,but...that's not enough for him.and just now when i opened my email,i found an e-card from him.i really never expected to recieve such sweet gifts at all,but he left me amazed.

What is inside my mind????????

This time why did i remember about that video again???and my feeling tell me in sure that it was''rock''i remember on that time i try to call him 3 times but he doesn't want to answer my call,and so when i asking him he said he go to sham tsui po to buy battrei without bring his mobile phone?its really impossible right??and also when on new year eve i did call him many2 times but he doesn't answer my call,i guest he also enjoying the night with her female friend without telling me b4,or sometimes he dont have much time with me since in HK he speand with his female friend??and much more??or even he ask for money he use to buy any stuff for his chinese female friend??i fell really hurt abt it.i did give him everything and try to give him the best,telling him anything but why he done that to me??when he fell happy why did he kick me away??but whenever he need something why he did come to me?is it i'm he;s toys??my ALLAH pls help me to find this answer and pls give punishment to someone who hurt me and play behind me,only u my ALLAH who i have in this words and who can only help me(amin)my tears running down in my paintfull heart.

**for someone who really make me*feel hurt**

Knit

Well...to get my stress of my brain,i'm starting to knit scarf again.yeah another scarf i finished one when just arriving in macau.i was intending to make it for my self,but my friend rafe likes it at the first minute he saw it,when he was visiting me in macau,besides,he needs one anyway since winter has arrive at his place and he bad cold that day b4 he visiting me.so...i give it to him,i was happy that he wears it alot for work and whenever he going.he's mum and he's sister in law told me to make more for spme family and other relatives there coz they like it so much...(hang on second!!i only have two hands and this really depends on my mood hahahaha....)
I also made one brown scarf for my bro and he's wearing at sometimes when he going out at night time**happy**I think i can make business out of it prety much now,but now i am still learning to do simple pattnerns now,so still a beginner......
Sometimes i do stress out when i make a mistake,especially if i spot it after i am already geting so far from it,i have to take off all the knits untill the wrong spot and do them all over again.but...it's just taking quiet some times to finish it,that's all....

SPECIAL THANKS TO RAFE THAT INTRODUCE ME TO HE'S FAMILY IN PAKI,AND THANKS ALSO TO ALL OF THEM THAT GIVING ME NICE WELLCOMING,I FEEL REALLY HAPPY FOR IT,,,,AND I'M ALSO HAPPY HE'S LIKE THE KNIT THAT I GIVE IT TO HIM...THANKS RAFE...U REALLY MAKE ME MUCH HAPPY THAT I NEVER HAD FOR LONG..LONG TIME...AND UR 1ST PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME SMILE SO BRIGHT AFTER MUCH DISAPPOINTED FELLING I HAD,I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS...

To someone

It's already happening
Things that i fear the most...
Things that i don't want to see,feel or notice...
But i knew it,i knew it...
It's happening and i won't stop it
It is better that way....
Because...wether i like or not,it will still happend
For i had let go,i had loosen my hold

One day,it will be understood...
That this is for the better future,for the happiness.
I hope it is not mistakenly percieved
Love is the base of my decision..
Let this go with the flow..
Even if it hurts and breaks me down
I know for sure.it won't be wasted.

-to someone.whom dearly to me-

Did i'm wrong??

THURSDAY,19,FEB,2009

I DON'T NEED LOVE ANYMORE BUT I NEED SOMEONE WHO REALLY UNDERSTAND ME,TRULY LOVE ME,SINCERE,POLITE,LOYAL.RAFE...DID I WRONG WHEN U SAID U LOVE ME I HAD FEEL IT THE SAME TOO???????BUT I ALSO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE BESIDE THAT...I ALSO STILL LOVE ROCK EVEN NOT LIKE B4,AFTER I KNOW THAT VIDEO I TRY TO FALL IN LOVE WITH UUUUUUUUUU...IS IT I'M WRONGGGGGGGG????????PLS TELL MEEEEEEEEE.....EVEN FALL IN LOVE WITH U IS HARD FOR ME,BUT EVERYTHING IS UP 2 TIME....THANKS DEAR FOR GIVING ME MUCH SUPPORT SINCE I'M IN MACAU BY EMAIL,SMS,AND PHONE CALL EVERYDAY.I'M HAPPY COZ I HAVE SOME1 TO TALK WITH,THANKS ALSO FOR VISITING ME HERE,SOME1 I LOVE CAN'T DO LIKE WHAT U HAD DO,BUT I MUCH HAPPY OTHER PEOPLE DO ALL OF THIIIIIS,,,REALLY THANK YOU FOR IT.

It's not the same

After fiew weeks i'm thinking about it two defferent guy coming into my live,and surely i can't choose one of them.another one name''rock''i do love him and i also know that he ready hurting me so much behind his love,and he always not beside me whenever i was down,but he always have to any other people.and another one name''rafe''he's nice to me,giving me much support while i was in macau,visiting me and all of that,i did cry on him while i was need shoulder to lend for while.he understand me so much,he give me much support and all that.i'm feeling so comfortable beside him.
he's understand my felling not like rock who only know how to talk and giving me much promises without any proof.oh my god(allah)pls help me to choose between two of them for my future.i did ask my heart abt it and who i truly love,but i can't take any answer of it.
i know also''rock''much lie to me,but everything up 2 time and up to allah who know everything than me.well why did i like rafe???he's much sincere,tell everything in truth,never ever lie to me.never let my tears down on my cheek,never ever make me disappointed and angry.he's polite and loyal.whenever he goes somewhere and with who he always tell me in truth.even little thing like his friend coming to his home he always told me who is that and blah..blah....i really proud about him.i keep on crying and ask my self why did someone i love not do the same as him???did i treat rock that bad so he treat me bad also??playing bad game behind me and keep another love or female friend without telling me anything??god(allah)pls help me open this misterius game that rock had play behind me,i hope so.
GOD PLS HELP ME OUT OF THIS MISTERIUS GAME THAT''ROCK''HAD PLAY BEHIND ME.I DONT HAVE MUCH PATIENCE FOR IT,I WANT HAPPY LIFE LIKE I HAD B4.

Damn

thursday,19,feb,2009
I JUST HATE MY RIGHT NOW PERIOD!!!1

Two months,what can be worse than it????
don't you tell me that maybe i'm stress,cause i have enough heard that word...hehehheh....

ok...maybe i'm STRESS!!!
and i blame it to MY VISA that should be release as soon as possible!!!
Damn those effing rules!!!Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

Astaghfirullah...
Forgive me ya allah.....x)

Tagged

thursday,19,feb,2009
15 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME THAT SHOULD U KNOW!!!!

***I'm typical CANCER girl who live far away from HOME in a beautiful country named''HONGKONG''.
***I consider MY SELF as open minded*i guessed x)
***I can't easy forgive and i'll never easy to FORGET
***I LOVE black,white,blue sky,ice cream,dancing,and travelling.
***I'm NOT really a nice person*people always think and say that about me in our first meeting*
***I'm a fan of AC-MILAN and HARRY POTTER since i was kid
***I have passion in FASHION and PHOTOGRAPHY
***I wanted to be a sucses person
***I wish i already married BEFORE turn 25 years old
***I love musics,books,and movies
***I collecteing MICKEY MOUSE staff
***I have lots of BAD habit and also GUILTY pleasure
***I LOVE my parents and my self more than anything in this effin'world

An Instant Thought

tuesday,17,feb,2009

I relised lately i haven't had time to have a deep thought about anything specific,it is as if when i try to do so,there is always something to distract me,ideas still come up new lessons of the reality in life always bring some kind of amazement how people,and even i,missed the fact of how meaningful and sweet the things that happend in life,how little things that you do can mean so much to others around me.how some things that you think will be acceptable to others,turn out to be really irritatings to them.
Some people like i do,try to please everybody around them without even thinking about wether he or she will enjoy it or not in their own life.i gradually that i cannot please anyone without sacrifing something inside me,my own sastifaction and the feeling of enjoyment.

I Want to go home

tuesday:17 feb 2009

I have been saying that setence so many lately,over this week i have been really homesick...i want to be at home,i want to feel the togetherness of my family again,we dont have much time to gather together as a whole family.i dont know it is just this week that i feel emotionally homesick.
I heard english people on the bus saying that they are going home on friday for the weekend.i wish i really wish my home is also not great distance from where i'am right now.no matter how much i'm used to living by my self,there are times when i really feel so home sick and want to go home.

Our special day

Yuppie...at 12.00 feb 2009(hk time)is our first anniversary.in the middle of the night on 14 feb 2008 in paki,12 o'clock in HK,heheheheh...in same year and date,by telephone and internet chatting we started our relationship together after knowing each other for a fiew months and after he was waiting for fiew weeks also.the first time he send me mail use(touching_guy@hotmail.com/prince_of_hongkong@yahoo.com).

Nice sweet memory that i don't think i will ever forget...i never loved anyone before him.well looking back.it was not easy for both of us especially being far away from each other most of time,but as long as we trust each other and believe that we will always find a way.i'm sure we will survive,and we had survive the beginning of our relationship...everyday is a new chapter for us.
How i wish...to be close to you right now??but i know my heart is with you always...I LOVE YOU BABE BILAL...