29,march,2009
Can i ever get back??will i ever be whole again??or is that what love about constantly giving of my self continually turn to god to fill me with it self,who is love it self??i dont want to come to the point where i'm empty and have nothing left to give.i'm so scared to trust again,where is the balance GOD???????
I dont want to hurt but i dont want to miss at on love!!my fears are great but i know i have to endure the pain and risk frusting again,GOD lead me forward,i desire to follow you anywhere you want me to go.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Longing for closeness
29,march,2009
As progress become more evident,i became more frustrated when i'd slip into old protective habits,just when i thought i was free,painfull issues from the past came back to haunt me,sometimes it seemed i was taking only one step forward and five steps back.
Many times i became frustrated and wanted to give up,why continue this relationship and fighting so hard when each victory preceded a frustating defeat??
i feel so depressed i haven't cried this much more than a week,the old thoughts of despair and hopelessness are back.
I thought i had dealt with everything,but every once in a while past knocks me for a loof and i relize there are many issues yet to be resolved and that hurts,it isn't fair at all.....
I wonder what kind of person i'd be today??i keep thinking about all the years while i had my happiness of live.there's so much i wish i could change....
As progress become more evident,i became more frustrated when i'd slip into old protective habits,just when i thought i was free,painfull issues from the past came back to haunt me,sometimes it seemed i was taking only one step forward and five steps back.
Many times i became frustrated and wanted to give up,why continue this relationship and fighting so hard when each victory preceded a frustating defeat??
i feel so depressed i haven't cried this much more than a week,the old thoughts of despair and hopelessness are back.
I thought i had dealt with everything,but every once in a while past knocks me for a loof and i relize there are many issues yet to be resolved and that hurts,it isn't fair at all.....
I wonder what kind of person i'd be today??i keep thinking about all the years while i had my happiness of live.there's so much i wish i could change....
Umbrella of sadness
29,march,2009
Right now i'm sitting on my bed thinking and crying my eyes out,i feel so alone like there's no one who will listen from the looks of things now,it doesn't seem like i'll ever be truly happy.i had so many dreams,but they are all fading fast,i'm scared i'll feel like this forever,i dont see the point of going on.
I thought about my life and my relationship constantly and sank into a deep depression that lasted for months.huddled under an ever present umbrella of sadness,i wondered if i would ever feel joy again,my sleeping patterns changes and althought i slept most of time,i still battled fatigue,irritability and moodiness.
But i'm beginning to relized somethings there is so much rage inside me that needs to come out and i have a short fuse.i never caunly talk through a problem with the other person,i either yell and scream or ignore the person i'm mad at while seething inside it has become a habit for me.
Right now i'm sitting on my bed thinking and crying my eyes out,i feel so alone like there's no one who will listen from the looks of things now,it doesn't seem like i'll ever be truly happy.i had so many dreams,but they are all fading fast,i'm scared i'll feel like this forever,i dont see the point of going on.
I thought about my life and my relationship constantly and sank into a deep depression that lasted for months.huddled under an ever present umbrella of sadness,i wondered if i would ever feel joy again,my sleeping patterns changes and althought i slept most of time,i still battled fatigue,irritability and moodiness.
But i'm beginning to relized somethings there is so much rage inside me that needs to come out and i have a short fuse.i never caunly talk through a problem with the other person,i either yell and scream or ignore the person i'm mad at while seething inside it has become a habit for me.
U didn't care about me
28,march,2009
Today i was sitting alone at the window side of my bedroom,raining pouring outside really heavy.seem like my tears keep on rolling down since four months ago.another time i was so quiet listening to rain drop.suddenly my fone was ringging,it shown somebody number that i really know it very well.yeah it's ROCK was calling me and i was so excited and happy to pick up the fone and say hi to him...i though he was care about me from he's deep heart.but then i was wrong...at all,he calling me only when he's needed money.
Oh my GOD pls help me to open he's heart,i want truly love and serious relationship not fake love like this.everything i ready put him at first than my own family but he treat me badddddddddd......
I truly doesn't like he's habit at all,he's habit make me sick all the time..but he's dont care about thathe only know somebody must be fulfill what he want and never think where and how hard to get it,but after he get everything he want he will ignoring that person even only to pick up a phone or replay sms he's seems dont have time for it.
I think he was much selfish when someone else need he's helped he only can give promissing,i much relized about that now and what i treat him before was wrong.i thought he will helping me but not at all,when i was down seems more worse to kick me away,no any helped or support at all.
I really feel hurt about itbut i only can keep it without saying out to other.god pls helped me to face this all and give me power to stand with all of this feeling.
Today i was sitting alone at the window side of my bedroom,raining pouring outside really heavy.seem like my tears keep on rolling down since four months ago.another time i was so quiet listening to rain drop.suddenly my fone was ringging,it shown somebody number that i really know it very well.yeah it's ROCK was calling me and i was so excited and happy to pick up the fone and say hi to him...i though he was care about me from he's deep heart.but then i was wrong...at all,he calling me only when he's needed money.
Oh my GOD pls help me to open he's heart,i want truly love and serious relationship not fake love like this.everything i ready put him at first than my own family but he treat me badddddddddd......
I truly doesn't like he's habit at all,he's habit make me sick all the time..but he's dont care about thathe only know somebody must be fulfill what he want and never think where and how hard to get it,but after he get everything he want he will ignoring that person even only to pick up a phone or replay sms he's seems dont have time for it.
I think he was much selfish when someone else need he's helped he only can give promissing,i much relized about that now and what i treat him before was wrong.i thought he will helping me but not at all,when i was down seems more worse to kick me away,no any helped or support at all.
I really feel hurt about itbut i only can keep it without saying out to other.god pls helped me to face this all and give me power to stand with all of this feeling.
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